|I am The Work That Dares Not Speak Its Name...
||[Nov. 17th, 2018|05:53 pm]
|||||Something barely audible||]|
I've got to recover the joy of living and performing music. I'm not old enough Yet to give up on life and Favorite activities. I can't seem to get my backside Outside to play music, play at open mics, practice music, listen to music, make new polymer clay ornaments, or do much of anything Else. I've got to figure out how to make a living with Original creative work. I've got to get more performing opportunities. I've got to get Out more, period. I can't even get myself out of bed at a Decent AM hour. I can't keep living like a freaking recluse. I just don't quite know what is really Worth getting up for.
I can't seem to be Open about my Real thinking, my Real spiritual beliefs, my Real orientation (I think), and my True goals in life, because Certain people would stop speaking to me. I've got most of the New guitar gear I need; but I also need New scoring software, mics and Other equipment. But aside from that, I need motivation and determination, being Convinced that there's something Worth getting out of bed for. If I get a New job, it's got to be something I absolutely want to do. But I need a mindset of wanting to do Interesting things that are Worth waking up for. I can't seem to make a living doing anything, which may be part of the problem. I can't finish my recording project; I can't get a radio show; I can't find anything Lucrative to do with Original songs and photos; I can't get performing gigs, or Other musicians to work with. No one will invest in creative projects that I want to do. And when I start screaming in protest and frustration about this state of affairs, Online or Off, I get lectured about being Egocentric (which I am NOT, FFS). How do I maintain a Positive outlook when rejection and disregard feel Normal? I've got to convince myself, Somehow, that life is Worth living, and dreams and goals are Worth hanging onto. Caffeine and antidepressants don't seem to work to wake me up Anymore. Would psilocybin work any Better...?